• Touch Shuffle
• Playlist: Profound Feelings (Shame)
• Song: D.R.U.G.S (Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows) - If You Think This Song is About You, it Probably is.

My mother…my strength, my cargiver. We are FAR from the word perfect, heck we’re probably the complete opposite. We get on each other’s nerves almost daily, we fight like it’s fun and as much as we try, we can’t get along. It’s pretty funny because majority of the people she brings home whether it’s a potential boyfriend or merely a good friend, they are somewhat like me. It’s sort of disturbing but mildly flattering.  I’ve always said that if we weren’t related, we’d probably be good friends. Great friends…best friends. But here we are, enemies and lovers (platonically obviously). Yet, I always want the best for her. Everyone always tells her that she raised me right….do I believe it? I’ll have to get back to you on that. Ya, you’ve raised me to be a good person, believe in God and have good morals, but what about the little idiosyncrasies that help comprise my entire being? I’m still such an insecure person, I am so indecisive….I’m not strong, mentally or physically. I can’ t maintain conversations properly…I’m just fucked up. And the most terrible thing about me, is that I’m ashamed to be seen. When people look at me, I always look away. I always feel so uneasy when people are sitting right next to me because at some point, they’re going to have to see my face…which I don’t believe is too pleasant. It sucks, because when you introduce me to your friends and to family, I want to make you happy. People call you beautiful all the time…and then there’s me…and you know, I could care less about what they think about me, despite my insecurities, I just feel so terrible that they have to LOOK at me and know that I’m YOUR daughter. You’d think someone who came from you would be absolutely gorgeous and have a nice body and a pretty face and nice hair. But you birthed the exact opposite.

I just want to say sorry Mom. It brings me to tears right now as I sit in my class just thinking about how you must feel to introduce me to people. Every time you look at me, I want to look away because I know that when you look at me you see a slightly chubby, average faced person. I’m changing though Mom, I am. I know you may not see it, but one day I’m going to make you proud. Aside from pleasing thy Lord, Jesus Christ, my life mission is for you to look at me and just smile. No matter how much we fuss and fight, I just want you to know that I will never stop trying to make you proud.

nobodyfreakout:

Just Love. Watch it. Cry. Repeat.

they are officially my favourite tv couple

• Touch Shuffle
• Playlist: Profound Feelings (Envy)
• Song: Pogues- Love You ‘till the End

Before I write, let me clarify this..I am not an envious person so that’s why I find this so exciting to right about. As i’ve said before, the point of this blog is for me to tap into all these various intense emotions and record them to see how I felt in that moment. It’s amazing how inspiring a negative emotion can be but anyways, back to this.

So I was on this movie spree and found P.S I love you (personally, I feel this is the best romance movie..yes i’m talking to you Notbook fanatics). What I think differs this movie from any other love film is the realism. It’s not necessarily about two people against the odds finding each other and realizing that they’re soul mates, but it faces real life situations: arguements, familial disagreements and unfortunately, death. This couple doesn’t follow the movie cliche of being blessed with great jobs, great fortune and wonderful kids, but in fact the opposite. It is two people, who love each other dearly, but face the challenges of REAL life, not HYPER real life that the media has implemented in our minds. It was wonderful to hear this line. Unfortunately, the male character dies minutes into the movie and the rest of the film discusses the widow’s pursuit to getting over him.

This movie touches me emotionally on so many levels. With every memory the ex-wife holds onto her husband like him singing her the Pogues Song, Love You ‘till the end, or her recalling how they first met, it just makes me believe in love all over again….and makes me believe that I will forever be alone -____-. This is one of the movies that really makes me WANT to have that life and be completely and irrevocably in love with someone. It makes me realize how beautiful romantic love is and how much of a blessing it is for it to be requited as well. I mean….to love someone is one thing, but to have the other person feel the same way about you in a world with millions of other, better looking people? Well..that’s just God’s gift. It makes me envious to others around me…not the teenage bopper relationships that are filled with sex and parties, but THOSE couples that whenever they look into each other’s eyes, you just know that they’re meant for each other.

I am COMPLETELY envious of my Auntie’s lives. They both have wonderful, devoted, loving husbands that really make you think about whether you will ever meet someone. I’m a person who believes in soul mates, but I don’t believe that every single person is meant to be married and be in a romantic love…so i’m just wondering what God has planned for me. Will I ever meet my one and only who will make me feel like Hilary Swank in P.S I love You or will I be forever alone?

mesaquelachucha:

she is perfect D:

(via jadedxo)

• iTouch Shuffle
• Playlist: Profound Feelings (Anxiety)
• Song: Drake- The Calm

So much going on, yet why is everything so stand still? It’s like i’m a ball of dreams and wishes, but I can’t execute it. But then again, I can’t really blame myself since I have to focus on school…I’ve been studying for exams a lot lately but let me tell you, as soon as today ends, my future starts. Think of this as a Rebirth; mind, body and spirit.

This song really does apply to my life right no- 24 hours to greatness, i’m so close. My main goals right now is to lose weight..not that i’m fat by any means, but I do believe that by losing weight, it will help me live a better lifestyle. By eating more properly and sticking to concrete excercises, i’ll have better discipline and more motivation. Then i’m going to apply for an agent..don’t want to get too specific because the future is still dicey, but I just need to let this out. I hope I get this. Finally, I have this side project with one of my good friends going on. While all this is happening, my spiritual life will certainly be enhanced..it’s just a win win situation.

I’m come to realize that you really only DO live once. I’m not an idiot, but for the past months, i’ve been analyzing what have I actually been doing with my life. I eat sushi, I watch TV, I chill with humans…there is absolutely nothing inspirational, motivational or educational about my life whatsoever and that needs to change. I want to get out there and not be afraid. I just want to live.

With God, I know that I can do this. He’s got big plans for me and I know he will help me through my journey because i’m not just doing this for myself, i’m doing this for my Mother. She’s always told me she knows i’m going to be famous one day haha, and soon that day is coming. I love that girl as annoying as she is. Thank you for believing in me Momma. Not that I really want fame, but I just want to BE…no strings, no inhibitions, just face the world with full force. My main fear in life is dying without a purpose, and tomorrow I will no longer be afraid.

I want to be thin, I want to be strong (spiritually and physically), I want to be intelligent, I want to learn. I want it all. I just want to live the best life I can possibly live. And the great part about all of this is that when I do make it, all those other people who thought nothing of me will be kissing my ass. Yes I said it. It’s going to be great…..the best type of revenge really is success and I plan to do it. Watch out for me.

catarinabitch:

I’m happy and I can tank myself, if it were up to you I’d be in my bed crying.